Month: April 2018

the future draws near & guilt

hello all

tomorrow is may 1st, a date that seems almost innocuous to everybody besides seniors. it’s college decision day.

i have already committed to a college (i’m gonna be a bruin!) but as may 1st draws nearer and i hear more and more about my friends and where they are going, college is starting to feel so much like a privilege that i feel like i don’t deserve.

i mean, hear me out.

this year was the first time that i really learned about my family’s financial standing. and well, contrary to what my mom jokes about, i don’t come from a poor family. honestly, it would be even a stretch to say that i come from a middle-class family. but we have always lived fairly humbly. it’s not like i wear designer clothes or drive fancy sports cars or spend excessively. but it’s nothing that my family has ever really worried about. it’s not even something that my parents seem to worry about in paying my college tuition these next four years.

so i guess, what makes me feel so guilty is that i come from a family with such standing. i have friends whose families make much less and i hear them stress about saving personal spending money for college and choosing a school for its financial aid package over other qualities. of course, i did the same and was really concerned with the financial aspects of attending a school with a really big price tag. but it felt disingenuous when i did so, even if i WAS concerned with draining my family’s entire savings accounts. it wasn’t fake but it felt fake to worry about it when my situation wasn’t as severe. like i’m saying that affording the school of my choice wasn’t really a huge issue. it even ended up being the school that gave me the worst financial aid package.

and that made me feel guilty. guilty that i was accepting my family’s support and that i wasn’t trying to be more self-sufficient. it feels almost like the easy way out to say “yeah my parents paid my way through college” even though the majority of students are like that. but to ask the parentals to pay so much more for it… well it feels selfish even if they seem to mind paying for it.

because what have i done to deserve it? it might not even be an issue of if i deserve to go to such a pricey college or not. i think i’m just terrified that i’m going to out to la in the fall and totally blow it, wasting all of the effort my parents put into putting me through school.

i want to have a good time in college and join a ton of dance teams and everything but at the same time i feel like if i’m having too much fun, then i’m not focusing enough on my education. and that’s what the green pays for, not for me to go party it up in la.

but i guess that’s something to consider in five months, not now.

kelly ❤


A Blast From the Past / A Review of Born Confused by Tanuja Desai Hidier

The thing that kills me the most about this post is that i wrote this three years ago and… never posted it? I still think it’s a pretty solid review minus any grammatical errors that I’m just not gonna fix. In the spirit of nostalgia (because I’m about to be a high school graduate yippee), I figured posting this relic of a review would be fun. Have fun with 15-year-old Kelly!

Born Confused

Born Confused by Tanuja Desai Hidier
Series: Born Confused #1
Publication: July 1st, 2003 by Scholastic Paperbacks
Number of Pages: 512
Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Romance
Source: Public library
Rating: ★★★1/2

Goodreads | Amazon | The Book Depository


Tanuja Desai Hidier’s fantastically acclaimed cross-cultural debut comes to PUSH!
Dimple Lala doesn’t know what to think. Her parents are from India, and she’s spent her whole life resisting their traditions. Then suddenly she gets to high school and everything Indian is trendy. To make matters worse, her parents arrange for her to meet a “suitable boy.” Of course it doesn’t go well — until Dimple goes to a club and finds him spinning a magical web . Suddenly the suitable boy is suitable because of his sheer unsuitability. Complications ensue. This is a funny, thoughtful story about finding your heart, finding your culture, and finding your place in America.


a coming out post, to thank diverse books

I have always questioned my own sexuality and yeah I know, I’m not special because everybody does that. But hey I thought I was straight for like all of high school until now. I figured I’d graduate without anything really changing all that much. That seems to be a trend though, thinking that I have it all figured out and then whoopdeedoo I learn and change again.

In retrospect, it’s probably more accurate to say that I had been questioning, even if I didn’t realize it. I’ve had crushes on both guys and girls, although I always excused the latter as being a “girl crush” or that I “really, really wanted to be her friend.” I admired girls in a totally “platonic” way.

Cue the eyeroll, please.