the future draws near & guilt

hello all

tomorrow is may 1st, a date that seems almost innocuous to everybody besides seniors. it’s college decision day.

i have already committed to a college (i’m gonna be a bruin!) but as may 1st draws nearer and i hear more and more about my friends and where they are going, college is starting to feel so much like a privilege that i feel like i don’t deserve.

i mean, hear me out.

this year was the first time that i really learned about my family’s financial standing. and well, contrary to what my mom jokes about, i don’t come from a poor family. honestly, it would be even a stretch to say that i come from a middle-class family. but we have always lived fairly humbly. it’s not like i wear designer clothes or drive fancy sports cars or spend excessively. but it’s nothing that my family has ever really worried about. it’s not even something that my parents seem to worry about in paying my college tuition these next four years.

so i guess, what makes me feel so guilty is that i come from a family with such standing. i have friends whose families make much less and i hear them stress about saving personal spending money for college and choosing a school for its financial aid package over other qualities. of course, i did the same and was really concerned with the financial aspects of attending a school with a really big price tag. but it felt disingenuous when i did so, even if i WAS concerned with draining my family’s entire savings accounts. it wasn’t fake but it felt fake to worry about it when my situation wasn’t as severe. like i’m saying that affording the school of my choice wasn’t really a huge issue. it even ended up being the school that gave me the worst financial aid package.

and that made me feel guilty. guilty that i was accepting my family’s support and that i wasn’t trying to be more self-sufficient. it feels almost like the easy way out to say “yeah my parents paid my way through college” even though the majority of students are like that. but to ask the parentals to pay so much more for it… well it feels selfish even if they seem to mind paying for it.

because what have i done to deserve it? it might not even be an issue of if i deserve to go to such a pricey college or not. i think i’m just terrified that i’m going to out to la in the fall and totally blow it, wasting all of the effort my parents put into putting me through school.

i want to have a good time in college and join a ton of dance teams and everything but at the same time i feel like if i’m having too much fun, then i’m not focusing enough on my education. and that’s what the green pays for, not for me to go party it up in la.

but i guess that’s something to consider in five months, not now.

kelly ❤


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